I want to write a novel inspired by the life of my parents, but I don't know how to go about it nor is my writing any good. I'm just jotting thoughts down right now and certain things I want to make a conscious effort to include. I told my mom this and she said to write it; however long it'll take, just write it. My 'writing' is incoherent, my grammar sucks, and my vocabulary is lacking so this will probably take a few years.
Preface In the Making An author is a transposer and his writing the medium for his transposition. He gives a voice and speech to the illiterate--the illiterate that has endured strife unimaginable and unexpressed. Their stories are shared through conversations--spontaneous flashbacks as they recall their past. It is the author's sole purpose to translate this rich history and experience to the educated but immature and naive society of scholars who can only ponder on theories and study philosophy. Only then does the author have the right to claim his piece complete; when every heartbeat of his subject is converted into the limited words of a society of scholars.
"Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." (Isaiah 64:8)
In the midst of trying to discover a purpose for my life I accidentally got lost. I only recently realized how deeply I've fallen. When my faith was challenged, I gave in. In the words of Donald Miller, "the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time."
I've wasted a year searching for a greater purpose, to get a glimpse of the bigger picture. I wasted a year playing the role of a devoted Christian, but in reality I was drifting slowly away from faith and had little to hold on to. I've tried picking myself back up, and I felt as though I was beginning to hope again. I was never content, or at least I tried not to be. I was afraid of becoming lukewarm, and afraid that I would be living a typical "Christian" life.
My faith has been challenged a multitude of times throughout my immature two years, and though I thought I was victorious, I unknowingly loss due to my ego and selfish pride.
Two years is a lot of time, a lot can and has happened.
My decisions and actions were based on temporary emotions that will never last. God caught my attention with my emotions but it also became the foundation for my faith. I relied entirely on my emotions, and as a result my faith in God was inconsistent. At the same time my emotions got the better of me and I grew emotionally attached to a really great friend and a devoted sister. As my hormones and emotions flustered, so did my faith.
Two years is a lot of time, a lot can and has happened. I began a personal relationship with God within these past two years and gradually grew more attentive to God and the people around me. I developed personal relationships with people and understood the difference between friends and acquaintances. I experienced the first death of a family member, first wedding of a sibling, and first birth of a niece. I met people that would radically change my life, and endured emotional persecutions as a direct result of my faith. I witnessed the power of prayer, the grace of God and the genuineness of brothers and sisters.
A big part of my growth is due to my relationship with people, a one person in particular. Though I accidentally got too attached, the impact she's had on me is unmistakable, and she unquestionably is my closest friend.
I wrote this in hope to vent and let out my contempt for everything that's happening, but I ended up reflecting on my "life story" and realized... that God's been with me all along. I was upset at how things are going for me, but I now realize...it's my senseless emotions that are getting in the way of my pursuit for a passion and devotion for God. I started off by saying, "In the midst of trying to discover a purpose for my life I accidentally got lost. I only recently realized how deeply I've fallen; it seemed as though everything was beginning to fall apart," but after writing all this I realize that although I feel as though I've fallen away from God, God's been with me all along...and always will.
After rereading this a few times, I concluded that my thoughts are really incoherent, but I still want to post this in its semi-rawest form. What I had to say was not said, and my thoughts were not concluded. I think what I'm trying to say is...a lot of times we end up finding what we weren't looking for.
I am the only one to blame for this Somehow it all adds up the same Soaring on the wings of selfish pride I flew too high and like Icarus I collide With a world I try so hard to leave behind To rid myself of all but love To give and die
To turn away and not become Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves More deeply than the oceans, More abundant than the tear Of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
To love you - take my world apart To need you - I am on my knees To love you - take my world apart To need you - broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone Amongst remains of a life I should not own It takes all I am to believe In the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me? All I am for all you are Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
I look beyond the empty cross Forgetting what my life has cost And wipe away the crimson stains And dull the nails that still remain More and more I need you now, I owe you more each passing hour The battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago So steal my heart and take the pain And wash the feet and cleanse my pride Take the selfish, take the weak, And all the things I cannot hide Take the beauty, take my tears The sin-soaked heart and make it yours Take my world all apart Take it now, take it now And serve the ones that I despise Speak the words I can't deny Watch the world I used to love Fall to dust and thrown away I look beyond the empty cross Forgetting what my life has cost So wipe away the crimson stains And dull the nails that still remain So steal my heart and take the pain Take the selfish, take the weak And all the things I cannot hide Take the beauty, take my tears Take my world apart, take my world apart I pray, I pray, I pray Take my world apart
"Peter said to Him, Lord, why can I not follow You now?" (John 13:37).
There are times when you can't understand why you cannot do what you want to do. When God brings a time of waiting, and appears to be unresponsive, don't fill it with busyness, just wait. The time of waiting may come to teach you the meaning of sanctification--to be set apart from sin and made holy--or it may come after the process of sanctification has begun to teach you what service means. Never run before God gives you His direction. If you have the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt-wait.
At first you may see clearly what God's will is--the severance of a friendship, the breaking off of a business relationship, or something else you feel is distinctly God's will for you to do. But never act on the impulse of that feeling. If you do, you will cause difficult situations to arise which will take years to untangle. Wait for God's timing and He will do it without any heartache or disappointment. When it is a question of the providential will of God, wait for God to move.
Peter did not wait for God. He predicted in his own mind where the test would come, and it came where he did not expect it. "I will lay down my life for Your sake." Peter's statement was honest but ignorant. "Jesus answered him, '...the rooster shall not crow till you have denied Me three times' " (13:38). This was said with a deeper knowledge of Peter than Peter had of himself. He could not follow Jesus because he did not know himself or his own capabilities well enough. Natural devotion may be enough to atract us to Jesus, to make us feel His irresstible charm, but it will never make us disciples. Natural devotion will deny Jesus, always falling short of what it means to truly follow Him.
When the music fades And all is stripped away And I simply come Longing just to bring Something that's of worth That will bless your heart
I'll bring You more than a song For a song in itself Is not what You have required You search much deeper within Through the ways things appear You're looking into my heart
I'm coming back to the heart of worship And it's all about You All about You, Jesus I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it When it's all about You It's all about You Jesus
King of endless worth No one could express How much You deserve Though I'm weak and poor All I have is Yours Every single breath
I'll bring You more than just a song For a song in itself Is not what You have required You search much deeper within Through the way things appear You're looking into my heart
I'm coming back to the heart of worship And it's all about You All about You, Jesus I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it When it's all about You It's all about You Jesus
